11 SECRETS OF FATHERHOOD - OTHER INFO

In Search of the perfect father:

Ok, no one can tell you how to be a perfect father. We all just learn as we go. But, here's what experienced fathers say they would have done if they had it to do over again.

1. IT'S ALL ABOUT TIME
Everyone has just 24 hours a day. We have time we can control, and time we can't. It's that precious bit that we do control that's so important. You have to commit to give some of your free time to your kids. It's really like investing. You put your time in now and reap great rewards as your kids mature.

2. DO THINGS WITH KIDS
It sounds so easy, yet time slips away and we do our own things instead. Kids love to do what dad is doing, but only if he is paying attention. And they need to do kids things, too. Read books to them, go to the zoo, to the park, to the beach, on camp outs, fishing, hiking, skating….

3. BE A ROLE MODEL
Whether you know it or not, your kids will watch you and try to become like you. To them you are the king. What you do and say and how you act becomes what they want to be. Give them a role model that they can be proud of.

4. DISCIPLINE FAIRLY WITH LOVE
Discipline seems to come in only two flavors these days: constant anger with yelling or no discipline at all. But neither of these works. Discipline is crucial to the development of children. They want boundaries. They look to dad to know how they should act. Be slow to anger. Pick the important "battles" - discipline for outright defiance, not childish foolishness. Kids understand and expect fairness. Their world makes sense when the punishment fits the behavoir and when discipline is consistently applied. And it is very important for your kids to know that you love them even when you disapprove of their actions. It is so hard for them to separate these two things. It is your job to let them know that your love and acceptance remain strong even while they are being punished.

5. APPROVE, APPROVE, APPROVE
Your children start life kind of like a lump of clay. You mold and shape them by every word that you speak. These are imperfect little beings who often make mistakes. If you constantly correct the mistakes and emphazise their inexperience, they will begin to see themselves as failures. Encourage them at every stop. Praise and reward their achievements. Overlook their failures where you can and highlight every improvement. Help them when they are discouraged. They will come to believe about themselves what you believe.

6. RESPECT THEIR MOTHER
This respect is important whether or not you are married. In the home, children need to see love and respect between dad and mom. They form their opinions about how a family should be by watching how mom and dad treat each other. If you are domineering, selfish or abusvie toward your mate, your daughters will believe marriage is a one-sided affair. Later on, this can make their own marriages very difficult for them.

7. EAT TOGETHER
This sounds so easy, but it is one of the hardest things to do in practice. It's also one of the most important. Today, families eat on the run, work different shifts, attend school activities, and generally fly in every direction. If you don't have a meeting place every day to learn what is going on in your kids' lives, you will begin to lose touch. This is where you can listen to what matters to them. If you are not an important part of their lives, you just can't do your job as a dad.

8. BE A TEACHER
You may not see yourself as a teacher, but to your kids, you know everything in the whole wide world. You know how to skate, to bicycle, to find frogs, to drive a car, to fish, to use a telescope, to paint, to swim, and maybe even how to do math homework. Where ever your life crosses the lives of your children, you become closer to them.

9. EARN THEIR RESPECT
Earn their respect now, so that you can talk to them when the chips are down. "Do what I say and not what I do" - will never get you much respect. You have to be consistant, fair and just with your kids. They immediately notice any difference in what you are saying and what you actually do. Most kids will respect discipline carried out in an atmosphere of respect. Rebellion is very common when children do not respect you or your actions.

10. KNOW THEIR FRIENDS
Know the friends of your kids. Even more important, involve them in your family. Be the center of your kids' universe. Do things that kids love so that your children want their friends to come with you. Be the leader. You plan the camp out, you plan the ice skating trip. Be the one who organizes the trip to the beach or lake. Your kids get the added benefit of popularity with their friends, while you get to be involved in the lives of your children. You will never be the one wondering where your kids are and what they are up to.

11. BREAK THE MOLD
Have you ever said to yourself, "I don't want to be like my father," yet you find yourself parenting just like he did? This is because fathers teach sons both good and bad ways to parent as they grow up. Stop and evaluate what your own father did right, and what he did poorly. Break the mold that made you. Work hard (and it will be hard) to change those things that you have inherited from your father that hurt you as you grew up. Pass on to your own sons and daughters more positive tools to work with in raising their own children.

To your sons, you will be the biggest influence that they will ever have in life. You are a tower, a giant, and where a son learns who he is. How you treat him will influence not just him, but generations of men to follow.

To your daughters, you are the knight in shining armor. They will look for a man just like you to marry and have your grandkids. In part, you are determining your daughter's choice of a mate by your treatment and care for her now. She will always be trying to please daddy and will strive for your affection and acceptance all the days of her life.

Fatherhood is an awesome responsibility. And, it's a tough job. But you don't have to be perfect to be able to feel proud of the job you do. Just take time with your kids, show them your affection, and think about these 12 simple ways to do a good job.

From HERITAGE HOUSE '76, INC. (2004)